Concerning Regret

In looking for a particular trans site (which I still haven't found, I seem to have gotten sidetracked), I came across something called A WARNING FOR THOSE CONSIDERING MtF SRS. I hesitated to go to the site, picturing the usual Christian transphobic hectoring to be the probable content of a site under that title. But closer inspection of the link showed a connection to Lynn Conway's extensive and very informative site, so I decided it behooved me to look at it.

I agree totally with what is said at this site, and it doesn't take me much reflection to be clear that none of these bogus reasons are why I'm transitioning. I'm not going to go into my reasons here, that's not the point I want to make.

I do want to make the point, however, that some transpeople, with perfectly legitimate reasons for transitioning, don't have successful transitions. It's something I'm sorting through right now, as I proceed towards the nearing date that I start living full time as a woman. The most striking example I can come up with is the story of Christine Daniels, who is one of the most famous transpeople of the last decade, and who committed suicide months after detransitioning and resuming writing under the name Mike Penner.



Another famous example of an unsuccessful transition is the first one listed at the original web page I linked to, the case that first showed me that transitioning was possible (no, it didn't put the idea in my head, it was more a confirmation of something I've felt since even before I can remember), that of Renee Richards.



Reasons listed there for her unsuccessful transition are a true cautionary tale for all of us who are considering switching to the other gender.

I have felt the attraction of being the center of attention based on this thing I'm doing. Ultimately, though, I find that I really don't want to be the center of attention. In a way, I want to be totally ignored and unremarkable for this. I don't want to be fussed over, and I don't want to call attention to myself. I'm doing this to be more comfortable and to feel more a part of things than I have previously. As a guy, I have always felt alienated and separate. In the last months, as I've been looking more and more like I think I should, people who don't know me see me as female. And it's not magical to them, and I constantly remind myself that over half the population is female, and it's more than fine with me. Things just seem right in the world in a way they never did before.

One expectation I think some transwomen have is that they will be hot and sexy. Dude, I'm fifty. I think I look better the more female I look, but I'm under no illusions. I'm overweight, I have a body that's been "ravaged by testosterone" for all the years of my life except this last one, and that leaves a rather all-encompassing mark. One of my great anxieties about transition before I started was all the ways that my body has been affected by that. I am so encouraged that most of the time, strangers see me the way I want to be seen. I'm still a work in progress, very much so, but I am quite optimistic for the success of my own transition.

I have a very good friend who cautioned me, when I first started this process, to not call attention to myself, and I have to say that her advice was really wise. Even now, when I'm really sure that this is right for me, I think not making a big deal of this has been the right choice.

I'm keeping my expectations modest, I'm trying to make this make sense in my life, and I have the extra fortune of being surrounded by very supportive friends. I also have quite a few examples of successful transitions to model on.

I hope, if you find this blog because I keyword "transgender" at the end of these posts, that you have a similar support system and realistic expectations. Please seek out those good role models (they are out there!) and seek your best, most authentic self.

Random odd comments from the last few days

1. "Your voice sounds like Candace Bergen's"

2. "You're an O. G., so you've got experience."

3. "Do these pills make my butt look big?"

Attributions: 1. Innocent but very large boy who I think was trying to hit on me. 2. Manic girl who was yammering compulsively to anyone whether they appeared to be listening or not at a bus stop. 3. me

Short, Apologetic Meta

Sorry it's been a week since I've posted.

It's actually funny, given the track record of this blog, for me to make such an apology, but I guess it's an apology to myself more than anything. I have had quite the week, though.

On Monday at 5am I had emergency hernia repair surgery, so at least part of why I haven't been here is that I've been occupied with other things. Feeling much better now, thank you, so back to dithering and ruminating on my various interests.

I have a few ideas for posts, but no time at the moment, so they will have to wait a few hours. I just wanted to pop in and so now I have.

Cheers!

Trans Meta I

So much of what's going through my mind lately is about appearance.

I don't think I've managed to look good in girl mode yet. It's a struggle. As I've stated before, I've never cared about my looks before. Now I do, and it's great to finally think I might actually see something looking back from the mirror at me that will please me. But I'm so not there yet. I'm way overweight, my wardrobe is small, with gaping holes in it, and my visual sense is just waking up. In some ways, I don't even know what I look like yet.

Don't misunderstand; when I see me in female clothing, when other people see me as a woman, it rings through me like the sympathetic note of a piece of fine crystal. It's not in any way deniable that what's happening is that I'm finally recognizing and being recognized as, well, me.

I'd say that at this point, I'm 50% to 70% passable, depending on how I'm dressed. I just need to go through the process of figuring out my tastes, figuring out what works on this body. I joked earlier about liking girl-mode t-shirts and jeans. It's true, and it's what I see most girls wearing. I also don't want to get all overwrought about it all. But I feel like I want to be able to make good choices, to have a better sense and a whole lot more knowledge.

One thing I've noticed, as hrt is rewiring my brain bit by bit, is that my visual sense is becoming more & move vivid. I'm far more sensitive, and often have quite visceral reactions to color -- the paint on a car, a nice print on a piece of clothing, and of course flowers, things that I have always thought of as mundane will just hit me and I'll be moved in a way that is not in my experience from before I started transitioning. I take this as a good sign.

I'm also, as you can see from recent posts, trying to learn more about fashion in general. I haven't started in on the magazines yet, though that is coming soon. I bought an issue of Vogue about a year ago, and found it more disturbing than enlightening. The models seem to me to be way too young, there's so much advertising. It was also something I had no grounding in, so much of what I was seeing didn't resonate at all. I'm reading books now on the subject, and looking at blogs like The Sartorialist and some of what I'm seeing is starting to make sense to me.

This blog doesn't have any sort of a following, but then, I've neglected it, just occasionally posting some bit of art or music that moved me. I think I have a purpose now, and I'm trying to be more dedicated about posting. If that turns into a readership of some sort, I hope to really benefit from folks commenting. I'm starting to see that one of the reasons fashion is fashion is the interaction aspect of it.

Paul Poiret

Another touchstone designer; his was the big name in fashion before Coco Chanel. He was the king of the industry in the years before WWI, and never got his mojo back after the war, in fact died in poverty in 1940. I love these designs, though! I love all the bright, dramatic colors, the embroidery, and the asymmetrical necklines, which I'm sure were really out there for the time. I had wanted to see lampshade dresses, which I've heard about but couldn't imagine, and the last few garments shown are, indeed, lampshade dresses. They are really cool and unique. So many of these designs have would have been thought of at the time as having an "oriental" flair.



Sorry for this being in French. I don't speak it either.

The Wrong Bra!!!

One thing that has changed for me, and is requiring a bit of adjustment, is that I actually have to think about what I'm going to wear.

From the time I graduated from diapers and onesies I have lived in the default outfit; t-shirt and jeans. Color doesn't matter (preference for black aside), there's really no decision making involved. But ever since a couple of months ago, when I finally admitted that with the changes in my body, I could no longer wear that default, I have been trying to come to terms with what I can & can't wear. I don't dread it, I don't feel it's particularly onerous, it's simply what has to happen to look good and for me to be comfortable. This is as opposed to not giving a damn how I look!

So, today I have a couple of things to do after work, things that actually more reflect me in girl mode. Once or twice before, I've brought a change of clothes with me to work. This is going to happen more, until I put away the boy things entirely. ("When? When? Can we do that now?" I ask. "No, not quite yet," I regretfully reply)

I bought a pair of capri pants at the local tar zhay, and then went over to another store in the same little mall, Avenue, and found a lot of clothes I liked (OK, tastes are starting to show -- I like girl-mode t-shirt and jeans! lol) I have them with me today. As my bus was pulling away from my stop, I suddenly realized that the bra I'm wearing will not work with the top I brought. Damn! So, what to do? I'm hesitant to go out and buy another top, but I think that may be the solution.

I need more clothes anyway. I just need to not spend money.

Avsh Alom Gur's Spring / Summer '09 designs (London)

I thought it would be cool to juxtapose this against the New Look video down a few posts from here. Avsh Alom Gur is another designer I've learned about from the Linda Grant book I'm reading. She talked about him in her chapter on sexiness. Warning -- a couple of these looks may be mildly NSFW.



I'm kind of getting the chair thing -- it serves as both a pure design element and a reflection of an attitude about clothes in general. I love the stripeyness and the contrasting ogee element. Some fun looks, and now I'm going to be looking everywhere to see if I see those chairs...

Just a little life stuff

So, this morning something happened that struck me as significant. It was very minor, but signaled to me that something in my emotional makeup has changed.

I was riding the bus to work, as ever. And as always, as we neared Harvard Square, the bus I was on became seriously crowded. At one point, a woman plopped herself down on the seat next to me, kind of half sitting on me. Now, in the past, this would have put me into a hellish state. I would not get up, but I would be hugging anything nearby opposite my fellow passenger to leverage myself away from her, I would be sweating profusely, which would only make things worse, and inside I would be wishing as hard as I could to be anywhere, anyone but who and where I was.

Today I just laughed a little to my self and scooted over a little. No self-loathing, no wishing myself out of my skin, no sweat. It wasn't until a few minutes later that I realized I'd never had that reaction before. It made me really happy.

These changes I'm going through -- they're having such a profound positive effect. Today I had a chance to really appreciate it.