Trans Meta I

So much of what's going through my mind lately is about appearance.

I don't think I've managed to look good in girl mode yet. It's a struggle. As I've stated before, I've never cared about my looks before. Now I do, and it's great to finally think I might actually see something looking back from the mirror at me that will please me. But I'm so not there yet. I'm way overweight, my wardrobe is small, with gaping holes in it, and my visual sense is just waking up. In some ways, I don't even know what I look like yet.

Don't misunderstand; when I see me in female clothing, when other people see me as a woman, it rings through me like the sympathetic note of a piece of fine crystal. It's not in any way deniable that what's happening is that I'm finally recognizing and being recognized as, well, me.

I'd say that at this point, I'm 50% to 70% passable, depending on how I'm dressed. I just need to go through the process of figuring out my tastes, figuring out what works on this body. I joked earlier about liking girl-mode t-shirts and jeans. It's true, and it's what I see most girls wearing. I also don't want to get all overwrought about it all. But I feel like I want to be able to make good choices, to have a better sense and a whole lot more knowledge.

One thing I've noticed, as hrt is rewiring my brain bit by bit, is that my visual sense is becoming more & move vivid. I'm far more sensitive, and often have quite visceral reactions to color -- the paint on a car, a nice print on a piece of clothing, and of course flowers, things that I have always thought of as mundane will just hit me and I'll be moved in a way that is not in my experience from before I started transitioning. I take this as a good sign.

I'm also, as you can see from recent posts, trying to learn more about fashion in general. I haven't started in on the magazines yet, though that is coming soon. I bought an issue of Vogue about a year ago, and found it more disturbing than enlightening. The models seem to me to be way too young, there's so much advertising. It was also something I had no grounding in, so much of what I was seeing didn't resonate at all. I'm reading books now on the subject, and looking at blogs like The Sartorialist and some of what I'm seeing is starting to make sense to me.

This blog doesn't have any sort of a following, but then, I've neglected it, just occasionally posting some bit of art or music that moved me. I think I have a purpose now, and I'm trying to be more dedicated about posting. If that turns into a readership of some sort, I hope to really benefit from folks commenting. I'm starting to see that one of the reasons fashion is fashion is the interaction aspect of it.