What's inside

There's a point about halfway through this poem where I just lift off the ground and hover in the air for about 30 seconds.

Who could look at a kid this age and think that such language could come out of his mouth? He didn't write it, and may not understand it fully, but it speaks to him strongly enough that he can say it and mean something by it. I hope what you get out of this is what I get out of it: The human spirit contains much that can't be explained by outward appearances.

From A Thread On Facebook

Tonight I figured out that my childhood development teacher pretty much doesn't believe there is such a thing as an innate gender identity. She was teaching us gender theory, which she completely subscribes to, which teaches that with a few minor exceptions related to reproduction, all gender differences are cultural.

I believed that for a long time, my own feelings to the contrary, which is why it took me so long to transition. Ultimately, though, I had to figure out why I was so depressed, why my life was so messed up, and why I couldn't let the idea that I should be female go, reason and physical evidence to the contrary. Gender does matter, and we are innately one gender or another, beyond what our genitals tell us.

Steve Well, there's no known biological pathway between actual gender and gender identity, other than experience. That doesn't mean that feeling innately of a given identity is an illusion, how, what, where, why and who we feel we are is the very essence of how we identify.

In short, bloody social scientists. Always trying to isolate the social/experiential from the scientific/rational, when to succeed at that would mean the very end of their discipline :-/

Maggie Does she know about David Reimer? Because if she does and she still believes that, she's an idiot. If she doesn't, maybe you should point her at his story.

Cherri I was going to mention David Reimer. Your childhood development teacher is wrong.

Diane Maggie -- somebody poorly described David's situation to her (didn't really have the facts down correctly) but understood well enough to get the essential point across to her and she was dismissive: "Oh, yes, some people are born with ambiguous genitalia." By that time I was already so upset that I couldn't have talked rationally, so I said nothing, which of course I regret.

She's not an idiot (she is wrong, though), she's very intelligent and very well informed, most ways. My view is that she's a first-wave feminist (she is a good friend of the woman who did "Our Bodies, Our Selves," latest edition of which is exhaustive on women's issues, with the notable exception of which unmentioned topic, do you think?) And "gender theory" as described above is the first-approximation response to male oppression, which she and her contemporaries have elevated to the level of religious faith. My question now is whether it's worth my time and trouble to try to "raise her consciousness" some, or if she's hardened her world view so much that I'm wasting my time. I saw ample evidence last night that she would be a very tough nut to crack.

Ingrid When I was pregnant with Luke and buying pink-clad baby dolls for him in an effort to provide him with something broader than our predefined gender roles, I thought of gender as having a larger cultural component. Within a few years after his birth -- when he had only ~ten recognizable words and ~eight of them were for various types of vehicles, and could turn just about anything he laid his hands on (twig, pizza crust) into a blaster weapon -- I began thinking of gender as more innate. (I tend to think of gender now as existing on a spectrum, a messy froth of biology, personality, and culture.)

I walked into the library this morning and saw one of Luke's papers on the floor. In big letters he had written, "Boys have penises. Girls have vaginas." And like everything else when you're watching children beginning to work things out, you can't help thinking, "Enjoy your simple black-and-white concepts of the world while they last, kiddo, because it all just gets soooooo much more complex from here on out."

Chris I'd say you would be wasting your time. If she were a close friend or family, it would be worth it. I know I'll likely get shouted down, but sometimes it's best to parrot back responses idiots expect, get your good grade, and move on. Perhaps comment on the eval at the end of the class that she doesn't seem to be current on key developments in her field.

Diane Ingrid -- my ideas about gender are pretty much the same. Gender is a very complex part of who we are. One thing I really appreciate is knowing that you are very enlightened about this subject and seeing through the interwebs how you and Jeff embrace Luke for who he is so completely and appreciatively.

Chris -- yep, that's the other alternative. The problem I'm having is that I feel so strongly that transpeople everywhere are my family. I worry for everyone who comes along after me who has to face these same prejudices. Not addressing this is also a way of swallowing more of the pigshit I've allowed myself to ingest on this subject my whole life. It's very personal and hurtful to me. Whatever else happens, there is no way I can envision saying the awful things about myself that she believes for the sake of a grade. Luckily, the way the final for this class is structured, I never have to say a word about gender theory if I don't want to.

I do want to post this whole thread as an entry on my blog (if that's not OK with you, let me know & I'll delete your comments @ the blog) and perhaps what I will do is wait until I have my final grade and then send her an email with some links, including one to the blog post.

Chris Diane, it might be worth discussing the matter with her in a private conference. If it's not her primary area of focus, she might honestly be ignorant on the topic and how it's perceived in the transgender community. If you meet with her in private and explain how and why her treatment of the topic hurts you, she can't argue with that. You feel how you feel -- it's not subject to debate. I wouldn't wait until you have your final grade. If it hurts you now, bring it up now.

I'm not really in tune with the topic myself, but if what she's teaching is just one of several viable theories, encourage her to give all the theories some attention. Move from "this is how it is" to "here are several theories about how it is". You could also write to the department chair and ask for the curriculum to be revised. That might get a bit more attention than just writing it on the course eval.

Being Read

Today I was out doing a little exercise walk and a little food shopping and got read twice.

I was in the local coffee shop ordering an iced coffee, and the guy behind the counter first gets my order wrong, then rings it up wrong, then tries to give me the wrong change. I'm trying to console him about it and all of a sudden he startles a little bit, but doesn't say anything. I kind of have a feeling I know what's happened, and it's confirmed a little later when I'm walking out, and as I'm going past the counter he calls out excitedly to one of his fellow employees. I don't react and keep going. My assessment is that the guy's an idiot. The fact is that I am so over being embarrassed about this stuff. Mostly I get frustrated & feel like I need to keep improving my presentation. I know it's a process and most of the time I pass. It's just every once in a while that stuff like this happens.

A little later, I was walking through the parkland near my house and there's this totally cherubic little boy, probably about 3 years old, out enjoying the day with his mom. He's so beautiful and I smile at him. He smiles back. I look away for a second and when I look back, he's got this cross look on his face, and an accusing look in his eye directed at me.

That one is a little more difficult to sort out my feelings about. Kids and gender is a very touchy area for any number of reasons. None of them has to do with me being in the wrong for sorting out and dealing with my own gender issues. I also need to point out that for me, and for transpeople in general, these issues go back to before that stage of development. I know that I was already struggling with gender identity when I was his age. I am, however, not completely sorted about what it means for little kids, who are so wrapped up in figuring out their own identities, and the way we acculturate kids into this ironclad gender binary view. It was the cause of a lot of hell for me, for sure. It's something I really need to find out more about. I'll be talking to my therapist about it, and I guess I need to do some early childhood development research, too.

For now, I draw some of the same conclusions I draw from the first incident. I put the burden on myself to continue working on presenting as female as well as I can.