Being Read

Today I was out doing a little exercise walk and a little food shopping and got read twice.

I was in the local coffee shop ordering an iced coffee, and the guy behind the counter first gets my order wrong, then rings it up wrong, then tries to give me the wrong change. I'm trying to console him about it and all of a sudden he startles a little bit, but doesn't say anything. I kind of have a feeling I know what's happened, and it's confirmed a little later when I'm walking out, and as I'm going past the counter he calls out excitedly to one of his fellow employees. I don't react and keep going. My assessment is that the guy's an idiot. The fact is that I am so over being embarrassed about this stuff. Mostly I get frustrated & feel like I need to keep improving my presentation. I know it's a process and most of the time I pass. It's just every once in a while that stuff like this happens.

A little later, I was walking through the parkland near my house and there's this totally cherubic little boy, probably about 3 years old, out enjoying the day with his mom. He's so beautiful and I smile at him. He smiles back. I look away for a second and when I look back, he's got this cross look on his face, and an accusing look in his eye directed at me.

That one is a little more difficult to sort out my feelings about. Kids and gender is a very touchy area for any number of reasons. None of them has to do with me being in the wrong for sorting out and dealing with my own gender issues. I also need to point out that for me, and for transpeople in general, these issues go back to before that stage of development. I know that I was already struggling with gender identity when I was his age. I am, however, not completely sorted about what it means for little kids, who are so wrapped up in figuring out their own identities, and the way we acculturate kids into this ironclad gender binary view. It was the cause of a lot of hell for me, for sure. It's something I really need to find out more about. I'll be talking to my therapist about it, and I guess I need to do some early childhood development research, too.

For now, I draw some of the same conclusions I draw from the first incident. I put the burden on myself to continue working on presenting as female as well as I can.