Q: When did you realize the term "transgender" referred to you?
I am flippin' old.
That's not a complaint, it's an observation I'm making as I think about answering this question. It comes to me because my awareness predates the first time I heard that term by decades.
I'm not going to go through my whole intake interview with Fenway Health (that was a hard, heart-wringing hour, and we barely scratched the surface!), but maybe I can bullet point a little? I've always been female identified. I have never been comfortable with a male identity as applied to me, and when I tried to live under that burden I hated me every day. I felt like a failure. I felt wrong. It was like an ever-present low grade electric current running through my body. I didn't want to be touched. I felt disgusting, always. I would have these little moments where somehow I would be in a feminine context one way or another and the whole earth would shift on its axis and the Sun would come out and shine down warmly. And then I'd feel guilty and foolish and sad again. It was kind of unbearable, more so as life went along. I never had any hope or any faith in myself. That's slowly changing now...
The other approach to this question is to talk about the first time I heard that particular term. Sadly, I don't have a specific memory about hearing the word "transgender."
Like I said, I'm flippin' old. What I remember is Dr. Renee Richards, the ophthalmologist and professional tennis player, who transitioned in the mid seventies and fought to be recognized as a woman by the United States Tennis Organization so that she could participate in tournament play as her true self (she won.) The word I heard was "transsexual," and I knew immediately that it applied to me. I also heard everyone around me saying the most awful things about her. And though they didn't know it, I heard every one of those remarks as being about me.
After that, the kinder, gentler umbrella term we use now was hardly difficult to hear.
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