In the Midst of Denial, There's Still the Truth

Q: Who was the first person you told about being trans?

Andy Asboe (a former roommate) was someone I said something to early on. We were talking about T replacement and I said that if it were me, I would go "the other way." He was confused about that at first, but after a minute he was like "Oh..." I think that conversation changed things between us. He was more distant with me after that.

I think, though, that this was after I had spent a year in therapy trying to figure out what was wrong with me -- why relationships were not working, why I couldn't remember a time that I wasn't depressed, why I always felt wrong, etc, etc, etc. I just talked about my feelings and my history and I would mention something like how I liked it when customers thought I was a female when they walked up behind me at work. I'd say something like that and she would give me these "significant" looks. 

I was in denial. I thought being trans was a terrible thing. I had so much internalized transphobia and I didn't want any of that to be associated with me. I kept thinking about how my mom would react if she ever found out. I never admitted that I wanted to live as a woman in any session.  When it became clear that we were circling around my having to admit it to myself to move forward, I quit going.

We talked over the phone when I told her I wasn't coming back and she said outright, finally, that she thought I had gender issues, and asked if I wanted to come back and start talking about them. I said yes, but I never did go back to her. It was just too much for me to deal with.

I didn't talk to anybody about how I was feeling again for over a decade. Now I wish I had continued. I feel like that twelve years was time I wasted feeling awful and having my body get older and more T poisoned.