In the Midst of Denial, There's Still the Truth

Q: Who was the first person you told about being trans?

Andy Asboe (a former roommate) was someone I said something to early on. We were talking about T replacement and I said that if it were me, I would go "the other way." He was confused about that at first, but after a minute he was like "Oh..." I think that conversation changed things between us. He was more distant with me after that.

I think, though, that this was after I had spent a year in therapy trying to figure out what was wrong with me -- why relationships were not working, why I couldn't remember a time that I wasn't depressed, why I always felt wrong, etc, etc, etc. I just talked about my feelings and my history and I would mention something like how I liked it when customers thought I was a female when they walked up behind me at work. I'd say something like that and she would give me these "significant" looks. 

I was in denial. I thought being trans was a terrible thing. I had so much internalized transphobia and I didn't want any of that to be associated with me. I kept thinking about how my mom would react if she ever found out. I never admitted that I wanted to live as a woman in any session.  When it became clear that we were circling around my having to admit it to myself to move forward, I quit going.

We talked over the phone when I told her I wasn't coming back and she said outright, finally, that she thought I had gender issues, and asked if I wanted to come back and start talking about them. I said yes, but I never did go back to her. It was just too much for me to deal with.

I didn't talk to anybody about how I was feeling again for over a decade. Now I wish I had continued. I feel like that twelve years was time I wasted feeling awful and having my body get older and more T poisoned.

Diane the "Activist"

Q: Are you active in the trans community or LGBT community?

OK, I've just experienced my first block.  I'm powering through!

This is a hard one for me because I have a very nebulous idea of what "active in the community" means. Does this refer to how I fit in, or how much time I spend in my life talking to members of the community, how hard I'm working for the community or what working for the community might entail, or some combination of those things plus some other intangible.  Maybe the measure of what "active in the community" is comes down to the amount of gratitude one feels and how one uses that gratitude in one's life.

I am in the transgender and TLBG community, like it or not. I can't help but be. I love trans people. I have many trans and queer friends. I get excited every time I meet someone new who is also part of my community. I want to see us all become happy and live productive, creative, connected and happy lives.  

Am I being asked to quantify what I give back? Probably I don't give back enough, but I do contribute. It's worth noting that all of us contribute by being visible and living our authentic lives. Visibility is crucial. It brings with it two statements. It says "This is what it means to be trans*" and it also provides an example for those who come after us. "Yes, you can live a happy and fulfilled life. If you are feeling the need to change your alignment in regards to gender in the world, if you've been told you're one gender but have never felt like what they tell you about yourself is the truth, you have my example to consider. Happiness is not at all impossible."

Along those lines, I feel a lot of gratitude towards so many who came before me:  Bethany, Gina, Ariana, Maggie, Janet, Jenny, Laverne, Namoli, Brenda, Meghan, Jerica, Erin, Renée, and Paris are just a few of the ladies who have shown me that what might be possible.  Thank you for being my examples.  I know that your lives have not been without struggle, but I see that you have come through and gotten to a better place.  You have all shown me that I could be happy.  Thank you.

Thoughts on Being Clocked and on My Voice

Learned a New Term I Wish I Didn't Know

Today I learned a new gay slur from supposed gay-positive punk rocker and part-time lefty radio pundit Johnny Angel Wendell, who, in asserting that Michele Bachmann may be a lesbian on facebook, used the term "daggery." A trip to urbanurbandictionary.com provides a lot of scatological associations that I really could have done without.

Now, I know the standard defense of this behavior, which runs something like this: "It's not actually homophobia, it's meant to be a calling-out of that particular homophobe's hypocrisy, by using their own homophobia against them."

That argument would make a lot more sense to me if I hadn't just been schooled in a new homophobic term by someone who is supposedly anti-homophobe. I singled out Wendell, because he's the latest repugnant example, but this behavior is rampant across the lefty bloggoshpere. If you suspect someone on the right of being a self-loathing gay, poke him or her with sarcastic mock-homophobia.

In my opinion, this does nothing to break down homophobia. It doesn't encourage the supposedly closeted person to open the door, it just sends more hate their way. You are not making an ally, you are not helping that person in any way. Ancillary to that, you put anyone who doesn't know you're being ironic or sarcastic on the defensive as well. There is no positive value in making slurs against any TLGB person, out or closeted, that I can divine. All it does is drive the wedge of hatred and division in deeper.