Response to someone's question about favorite TV shows and most disappointing movies

On youtube there's a collaborative channel I follow called Trannystar Galactica where someone will ask a question, usually on a topic related to the trans experience directly but not always, and this week's question for the group was on something that I like to opine about. So I posted a video response. We could maybe call it my latest vlog entry, but we don't have to!

A random statement

I am a Buddhist and an atheist (or possibly a pantheist). I believe in the big bang as the original creative force and that things and people and places and ideas have divine aspects but that things evolve along both mundane and mystical paths. My relationship with God was soured by being raised among Southern Baptists, who distrusted joy and feared and hated difference. I was sure different! For me the thought of an old white guy in the sky who built, owns, and controls everything is odious, especially when, in my understanding, humans created God.

Seeing Myself

Yesterday, I was surfing the net (I facebook a lot, and as you might infer if you look at my blog, I spend a lot of time at Youtube as well) and compudie was getting a little sticky-slow, so I decided I should reboot. While I was waiting, I got up and stretched my legs for a minute. I have a mirror on my wall situated so that if I'm standing close to it, you can't see all of me in it, but you can see maybe 2/3 of my width. I was looking at my silhouette and noticing the shape of my hips and breasts. The lines there are clearly feminine! I sat down on the edge of my bed and started crying. "I'm a girl now" I thought, and I may have even said it out loud. It was quite a moment. One instant, I felt the enormity of that, and the next moment I felt total acceptance of it. It's the fulfillment of a lifetime of hopeless dreams. I began to feel awed by it all.

My computer picked that exact moment to restart. I was having this cosmic moment of realization, and the universe threw the mac booting chime at me. It was just too funny.

My experience as a transgender woman has often been that I will have epiphanies and realize that I am a girl, and then at some later point, something else will prompt that same realization again. On the surface, this experience may seem like just another one of those, but it's qualitatively different in at least one way: I had not realized how much my body had changed. My female identity is not just what's in my head, it's what my body says now, too.

I can't tell you how happy that makes me.