Determination

Q: Have I ever been outed?

I feel like I out myself every day just by how I look and how I sound, but...

As for anyone "blowing my cover," I have to say that in general, my friends have been supportive and considerate. Also, as time goes on, my concerns about being read and/or being misgendered lessen slowly.

Where I've had trouble it's been with strangers, a couple of times early in my transition when I was most vulnerable, and once with someone who was an acquaintance but not a friend. Being read is bad enough. I often try to avoid this by telling people I'm trans right up front. Worse than being read is when someone clocks me and then feels the need to announce that they've done so to their friends. This has happened 4 times that I can recall.

They'll have some sort of facial twitch that lets me know I've been read, but then they'll "discreetly" tell their friends about me. One example is when I was in line at a burrito place and the guy who was making my lunch looked up at me, smirked, then looked down at his work, giving the guy working next to him a little nod and said "Es un hombre."

Subtle!

Another time I was out at a coffee shop, intending to sit there and read for a bit. I ordered an iced coffee, and as the guy behind the counter looked startled for a second. This was really early in my transition, so I hadn't learned to recognize that look yet. I found a table and sat down to my book. A few minutes later, I heard a commotion from the back room: two guys were laughing. I knew something was up but I had decided by this time that I wasn't letting people's ignorance stop me, as I had for all my life up until then. As I was walking out a bit later, the guy who had served me my coffee quickly raced back to find his friend, but I didn't wait around for them to gawk at me.

Still another experience along these lines happened at the Whole Foods near my electrologist's office. I'm a former employee of that company (which wasn't very trans friendly when I worked there) and when I walked in, I saw a former coworker, and I could tell that he recognized me.  I said "hi" and went on with my shopping. I thought nothing of it, other than that it was good to see him, but the next few times I came into the store his name would be called over the PA almost as soon as I entered the store. He also began posting anonymous comments on my blog, which are still there, somewhere. I knew it was him.

All of these incidents happened early in my transition. They don't seem to happen any more. I think there are two reasons for that. One is that the incongruence between my appearance and my presentation has subsided a great deal. I have curves, I've pretty much killed my beard, the texture of my hair has changed, and my skin has softened. You have to work a little harder to see the evidence of testosterone poisoning. The other reason is the increased visibility of trans people in general. I have to express my gratitude to people like Laverne Cox, Janet Mock, and Jenny Boylan for their efforts on behalf of all of us in the trans community.  Their support, their articulate and dignified presence, and their willingness to advocate for all of us has made a huge difference.

I have one more experience to tell you about. It was the first time I was ever outed. I was in the early days of working out my gender issues with the help of a therapist. I had not begun HRT yet, but I was taking my first tottering steps into womanhood. I had just started going out into the world in the clothing of my true gender.  It was a step I had to take, even though it was really scary for me. I had always been very worried about the 70 bus. That's where this happened, one of the very first times I rode on it dressed as me. It was a cold day and I had on my new jacket, and that's what started things off. There was a teenaged girl sitting behind me with her boyfriend.

"Hey," she said, loudly, "that's a girl's jacket." I thought for a second about responding, I half turned around but then thought better of it. She shouted at me again, repeating herself. I didn't react. I was scared of a confrontation, and I was on a crowded bus. What would happen if I got into a "situation?" As humiliating as it was, as done as I was with taking crap for being who I am, I just sat there. We got to Central Square, I stepped off of the bus, and that was the end of it. It was a relief and a little bit of a victory.